"Ye have locked yerselves up in cages of fear--and behold, do ye now complain that ye lack FREEDOM!" - Lord Omar, the Principia Discordia

The Way is in the Wad

by Michael Janssen

When the crucial moment comes and you're at the conclusion of a productive, deeply moving period of time on the toilet, you reach for the toilet paper and... well, I think you know what comes next. But exactly how do you prepare the oh-so-crucial toilet paper?

Perhaps you've never really given in any thought. If you can't remember, I fully understand if you need to scamper off to the loo and have a little test run.

Just please don't use this magazine as toilet paper. Mark tried it once with the master copy and we had to rewrite the entire damn thing.

Okay, you're back, a couple pounds lighter and a little bit wiser. Perhaps you folded, and perhaps you wadded. For the sake of humanity, I sincerely hope it was the latter.

In this rapidly advancing world, true artistic spontaneity is in dire straits. The folding of toilet paper is simply a subconscious perpetuation of these anal-retentive (pardon the pun) attacks on creativity and improvisation.

When you wad, you're putting a little bit of yourself into every crumple and crimp of that toilet paper. Wadding expresses you particular emotions at the time of the crumpling.

Trained psychologists can actually examine crumpled wads of toilet paper and make huge diagnostic (and digestive) leaps in reasoning.

If you're feeling mad at the world, let loose with a bellowing "Take this, world! I crumple thee and I apply thee to my posterior!" as you wad. You'll feel a lot better. (A tip: don't try this in public bathrooms.)

Folding, on the other hand, is completely rigid and non- expressive. Every single time, the paper looks the same. No personality is put into the act. It's cold and calculating and leads only to conformity and problems with self-expression.

Studies show that folders have more problems with family members and relationships; they tend to have worse dandruff; they don't get booty; they smell bad; and when no one's looking they like to watch old episodes of "Misfits of Science" while drinking out of the toilet. (I'd be more specific about these studies but when I woke up from my dream they disappeared.)

Probably the silliest thing about folding is that it takes so much time to prepare paper which is going to end up where all the wadded paper goes: in the sewer. Why even bother?

And I don't know about you, but I think folding puts your hand WAY to close to the area of action. One ripped piece of toilet paper and you're in deep... well, you know.

So the next time you're studying the tiles on the bathroom floor with the toilet paper in hand, make the right choice for yourself and for society and wad, wad, wad.