"Don't knock masturbation . . . it's sex with someone I love." - Woody Allen

Animal Stories

written by Chris Colin * illustrated by Lauren Jacobs

The Toad

Toads are good. They are good little animals. I have a toad whose name is James. James is very good, of course. Sometimes I like to put James in the dishwasher. He is nice, James. And good. Toads like James don't go to school, because they don't understan d grammar and history and physics and can't hold pencils. Toads are found in marshed and swamps.

The Gerbil

Gerbils don't bite me on the hand. I know a lot of things about gerbils because I own three of them. They tend to eat lettuce and seeds and bologna. Those goddamn gerbils also like carrots, but mostly they like to eat lettuce and seeds, and bologna. It's all right to tie a string around their puny necks and hang them out the window sometimes on account of that is a fun thing. Those cute gerbils are excellent diggers.

The Sloth

Sloths can be good little fucking mammals. They are good little mammals, that is. I can tell you, they are orange. Since those bastard sloths don't have many fingers, they just can't do work with a cash register. They ought to learn how, so I try to teach them how. Sometimes I press their claws very hard against the buttons, but they don't understand. Those big little sloths live in jungles.