But wait, that's not all! Super-Jesus-3000 also reincarnates your dead relatives, that special family pet, and will even hook you up for a one night stand with your high-school sweetheart! "Wow! That's amazing! How can I get one?" But wait! There's more! Super-Jesus-3000 also slices, dices, rains for 40 days and 40 nights, creates famines, disease, floods, disasters, and writes his own biography (The New York Times Best Seller The Bible). Think that's amazing? "Wow! It sure is! But how can I get one?"
It's easy! Super-Jesus-3000 is only available through this special TV offer, but you must order now! Supplies are limited, so hurry and dial 1-800-SUPERTENSOPLASTOCHRIST and order your very own Super-Jesus-3000 for the special TV offer price of only $49.99! Checks, Visa, and MasterCard accepted. Sorry, no CODs. Offer valid while supplies last. Void where prohibited by law. Price valid only in the 48 contiguous states. Foreign orders please add $8.00 for shipping and handling.
SUPERTENSOPLASTOCHRIST Inc. assumes no liability for damage incurred while using the Super-Jesus-3000. Reincarnation of dead relatives not guaranteed. Super-Jesus-3000 is only for entertainment purposes. Children under 18 please get parents' permission before calling. Super-Jesus-3000 may cause allergic reactions in some persons. If itching, swelling of the glands, rashes, vertigo, severe diarrhea, vomiting, or fatigue is experienced, discontinue use immediately and consult your physician. Please read all warning and instruction labels thoroughly prior to use. Keep Super-Jesus-3000 and all medications away from the reach of children. It is a violation of federal law to use Super-Jesus-3000 in a manner not consistent with the provided instructions. Violators will be prosecuted. (c) Super-Tensoplastochrist Inc., 1993.
by Daryoush Mansouri
"Mmm ... Mighty fine Jesus!"
What would you say if we told you you really ate I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus bread?
"Oh my goodness! I'm definately switching to I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus!"
by Mike Janssen and Mark Weber
If Jesus Christ were to come home today and steer his cosmic carrier into the driveway of Earth and breeze through the front door of humanity, hat in hand and suitcase in other and let loose with a mighty and mystical bellow "Humanity, I'm home!" his words would echo throughout the bowels of humankind's disillusioned abode gradually, his many followers would recognize his voice and these children would scamper to the door in stocking feet, greeting Jesus with cries of "What didja bring me, Jesus? What didja bring me?" because the Second Coming is solely a matter of fulfilled expectations and salvation for the greedy and what if Christ's suitcase is empty?