We know too much and feel too little. - Bertrand Russell

Letters to the Editors

Like dude, didn't get the popcorn masturbation connection. Felt like I was following you for a while, got lost in the brown bag. Like where the hell do you get popcorn in a brown paper bag? Are y ou equating popcorn with masturbation? I disagree. Popcorn makes you thirsty.

Dig your paper though. Pretty fucked! Dug the Haikus, but didn't get the fold/wad shit. Don't analyze your ass, man. Way fucked. So dude, do you like know what Szechuan means? Like Szechuan String Beans? Haven't tried the dictionary yet. Would almost hate to spoil the mystery.

 * 1202.  Szechuan String

The first time I masturbated was in my grandmother's basement. It was on Easter, we have just gotten back from church, she's Catholic. Everyone was upstairs eating eggs. God I hate eggs. It came out of a chicken's ass goddamn it. Fucking shit! Catholics c an get pretty fucked, don't know if you know. So anyway I went to the basement to listen to the radio. My grandma still has an 8 track player. It's fuckin' awesome. So I put on this 5th dimension and it really got me in the mood so I just did it. Pretty f ucked huh? It's like I was into masturbation before I was even into girls. I had a smile on my face for the rest of the day. I guess I was about eleven or twelve. Don't do it so much anymore.

This is what I looked like in the fifth grade. I think I peaked then and everything from then on just got screwed. Know what I mean dude.

Like in the eighth grade I listened to Poison. I think that's what fucked me up permanently. Here's a song.

Maybe you guys could sing it in the bathroom while you decide to wad/fold or whatever the hell. I don't listen to that shit anymore, but I still get turned on by scanky lookin heavy metal girls. Not ashamed to tell it.

Dude, I like beets.

Here's a picture of the virgin Mary. The biggest ho of all time. Like next to that bitch lead singer of the Bangles. Like thank god the '80s are over. I think if I were like really rich I'd just like collect things from the '80s and like start an '80s museum or something. But on that virgin thing again. I just don't get it. I think you guys should write something about it. I mean it's the only area where you're valued more if you're inexperienced. You wouldn't pay a mechanic mo re if it was his first time working on a car. That's stupid. I think it's time we stopped valuing purity above real knowledge and experience. I like a girl who's been around the block. Hate to break them in. Actually right now, I'd take any booty I could get. I just moved out to Nevada with my mom and her new lover. My mom's a lesbian. I know that sounds like really freaky, but the fascination wore off like eight years ago.

Well, I think I'm gonna go masturbate with some chow mein now. Popcorn really isn't my speed. Think about the Szechuan question, I'd really like to know. Oh, and just a suggestion, I think you guys should write a "Guide to Getting Booty" that's what the A merican youth really need. I have some ideas I'll send you later.


Dr. Sudama replies: Get together with a bunch of friends who want booty. Drive to a coffeehouse or other spot likely to be jampacked with booty. Enter and survey the booty. Go back and sit in the car for a half hour thinking up ways to get booty. Poss ible ways include: sending in the strongest booty magnet with orders to bring back enough booty for all. Call "booty!" out the window in hopes that you will attract some of the less intelligent forms of booty. When all fails drive home.